by Sura Faraj

The morality police are coming! Shit. Can’t they just stay in Afghanistan and leave us to our separation-of-church-and-state Constitution? Oh, and what about that pesky Constitution? Is this historical document too old, or is it too modern for America’s Taliban? I just can’t figure it out. Didn’t they learn anything from Prohibition, when the 20th Century’s Puritans tried to legislate their own rendition of quasi-biblical reality? I mean, exactly how would you, in the name of the guy who changed water into wine, preach that drinking is so sinful it had to be completely forbidden? Of course in the end, the ways of Jesus won out and that messed up amendment was rescinded. Now we can all drink to life! But back to the question. No, they didn’t learn anything. And if those whack jobs disguised as Christians can pass this anti-marriage amendment, it will go through the same tiresome process of being repealed, though not before becoming just one more shameful scar on our history. By the way, we’re really racking those up lately, hey? Anyway, since Prohibition is the only other instance when an amendment has been written to take away rights, I thought we could take a moment and compare it to the proposed gay marriage ban. Prohibition didn’t change how much people drank. Honey, I’d argue the opposite — that it spurred even more drinking, as the speakeasy became something taverns never were — mixed-sex secret-club hangouts. What self-respecting and fun-loving straight person could resist that? And the result? A black market secured by gangsters. Alcohol was still available, it just went underground. Fast forward now to the 21st Century, when the Morality Police have their way and gay marriage is banned. I can see it now — unused basements and empty backrooms turned into law-breaking dens of queers, banding together to band together. Smuggled wedding rings bought and exchanged, censored vows made, and secretly-made-but-fashionable cake eaten. All this debauchery would be secured by our own queer gangsters, the ooh-la-la hot and well-dressed mustachioed gay men and their motorcycle-riding, gun-toting lesbian counterparts. Spells disaster, right? Hmmm, sounds kind of racy. In fact, it sounds like a closet homo’s wet dream. Anything forbidden becomes even more appealing, doesn’t it? Now, I know you masquerading spiritual types like to ban expressions of love and uphold expressions of hate. But, Holy Jihad! Batman, how many wars can you handle? You’ve got the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the war on drugs, the war on the poor. And now gays. But listen, I’ll let you in on a secret — before you make asses of yourselves (again). Gay marriage is already against the law. Duh! Oh, go ahead and tell me it’s a good idea. I mean, maybe we should amend the constitution to ban other things against the law, you know, just to make sure. Like we could constitutionally ban illegal drugs, as the law already does, just to give some justification for the fact that we lock up a marijuana user every 42 seconds. And gays? Well clearly, they are out of control. They’re strong and must have powerful lobbyists working for them. If we don’t keep pushing them down, the next thing you know, they’ll be wanting gay baptism. Let’s head them off and ban that, too! Surah Faraj is described as “…a writer, organizer, activist, poet and flag dancer [who] calls Riverwest home and headquarters for action.” Surah was recently named Associate Editor of the new Queer Life magazine. Congratulations, Surah! ~